i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Randomize
