everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
