Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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