i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
