I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
