Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I pour the whiskey from now on
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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