I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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