Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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