This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
