If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
