is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
