I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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