I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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