I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
