Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
