I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
