When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
