Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
