I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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