I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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