My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
