Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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