onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
