I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.