So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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