I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
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Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
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Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.