dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits