So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass