god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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