and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
