A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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