There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways