i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.