had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
