you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
