you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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