sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
