She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
