she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
