im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Randomize
