i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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