My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
