if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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