a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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