they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
