I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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