Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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