Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
