You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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