i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
