I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
