i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
