Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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