Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
