I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
