my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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