Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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