Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
