He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
