my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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