She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
