drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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