your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
